I do not promote self harm or encourage it in anyway. I do not promote suicide. I am not pro self harm, depression, suicide or anxiety. I am in no way trying to glorify this kind of life or emotional state.
This is a blog where I write about my daily life. Sometimes the posts will be boring and sometime they will be exciting. I am 19 and from Canada. I will also talk about my struggles with Anxiety, Depression, and Self Harm. With those topics may come some triggering material so here it is the *TRIGGER WARNING* for anyone suffering from any or all of these things. I hope you enjoy my rants and if you need some support/someone who will listen or you have questions or you just want to chat I'm always willing. :)
Me: *gets on bus* omg everyone is watching me and judging me and they're going to laugh when the bus starts and im not sitting down, omg dont put your ticket in the wrong way or everyone will judge you and laugh at you.
Me: *goes to pay for shopping* omg what if I dont have enough money? *counts money out 20 times* what if I look stupid, or say the wrong thing? am I standing in the right spot even? What if someone else wants to get past and im in the way, omg.
Me: *says hey to someone online* omg, they arent replying, holy shit why am I so annoying? what if they tell their friends how annoying and lame I am? Why am I like this, holy shit.
Me: *meets someone new* What if they dont like me and dont want me to be around, I shouldnt have met them, im going to be a burden, they're probably critisizing me right now, why am I the way I am?
Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of Tyler’s Mom’s passing. I knew it was going to be a hard day but I wanted to try and keep his mind off of it if I could. We got up and we were getting dressed, things seemed fine then he looked at me and said “I think I’m going to cry today, I don’t want to” and his eyes welled up. All I could do was wrap my arms around him and hold on as tight as I could. He cried and I just kept whispering “It’s going to be okay” “Everything is okay” “I’m so sorry” and I started to cry with him. After a bit he calmed down and he said he was okay. We headed down stairs to go out. I went into the living room to grab my phone and I came into the hall and he was standing there crying again. I took him into the kitchen and just hugged him again. I just kept repeating the same sentences and letting him cry. Then I told him to go see his dad, and hug him. He tried to calm himself down first because he doesn’t like crying infront of his dad. I told him “stop worrying about crying in front of him, he’s your father. So he went in and sobbed as he asked his dad if he could hug him. I waited in the kitchen and listened as his dad told him everything was alright and it was going to be okay. Tyler just kept saying “I love you, you know that right?” and his dad said “of course I do” I was crying listening to them but I was trying my best to stay calm for Tyler. He came back to the kitchen and I hugged him one more time and told him I loved him and I was sorry. I told him “I wish I could do something to make you feel better” and he said “You are” and hugged me tighter. I let him calm himself down and he said he was okay now so we headed out for our day. I wish he didn’t have to go through this day every year. I wish I could make the pain go away. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s gone through 4 years without his Mom and thats so unfair. I don’t know how he stays so strong.
Tyler’s tattoo turned out amazing! he is so happy with it. It looks so beautiful. It took close to 7 hours (with breaks) to finish it, so it was a very long day but it was totally worth it!
Tyler’s tattoo is tomorrow and he is so nervous. I’m glad I get to be there with him though. And the fact that he’ll have his tattoo on mothers day is the best present he could give his mom. I know he misses her more then anything and I think this will make him feel closer to her again. The anniversary of her death is coming up too so hopefully he will get through it alright.
Why are people so fucking awful? My dad fell walking back to his car from the store and he was calling out to person after person and they just walked past him. He’s almost 60 and he has bad legs and a bad back, walks with a cane and they just left him laying there. Then an elderly man came over (who also had a cane) and he helped him up. Because unlike all the other assholes he was a decent human being! I want to go find every one of those people who walked past him and beat the shit out of them. I just don’t understand, if someone calls out to me for help I wouldn’t even hesitate to stop and help them with whatever they needed.
I’ve had an awful morning. I want a smoke so bad. I just don’t want Tyler to be mad at me, not to mention he’s stressed out too so if he found out I had a smoke he would just be more stressed. I want to leave this house, I want out of here so bad! My family doesn’t want me around anyway, they always forget about me and leave me behind. I feel like I’m just an unwanted visitor.
My dad just told me that my anut and uncle split up…I feel so heartbroken right now. They seemed so good together, and they always seemed happy. He’s my favorite uncle, he was there for me and my mom when my grandfather died when the rest of the family kind of abandoned us. He’s not even blood related, my aunt is. I don’t feel as close to her even though she’s my god-mother. I’ve always felt closer to him. Now he’s pretty much gone from my life. I know I won’t get to see him anymore because then my aunt will disown me and probably my parents in the process. I feel like crying and that might sound stupid but this is just really shocking to me and I don’t know how to process it. What ever happened to for better or for worse? What ever hapened to sticking it out and making things work? Why does everyone always leave?
I had a job interview today and I was extremely happy and surprised that I wasn’t too nervous. I feel like it went very well. They said I would hear back within 8 to 10 business days. I really hope I get this job. Oh my god I hope I get this job. If I get this job then Tyler and I will be able to get an apartment together! So feel free to keep your fingers crossed for me :)
I’ve been neglecting my blog lately. Opps. So my anxiety has been really frustrating lately. Ty and I wanted to go to the movies and then like 10 mins before we were going to leave I started feel anxious about it and I didn’t want to go. Well I ended up in the car anyway and the closer we got to the theater the more anxious I felt and I ended up breaking down in the parking lot and I couldn’t get out of the car. I was so terrified of going into the theater because there were so many cars in the parking lot and I knew there were going to be a lot of people inside and I just couldn’t go in. This hasn’t happened to me in a long time so I’m not very happy right now. Going out to public places is gettin harder for me. I’m only comfortable going to certain places and I feel like I need someone with me all the time (i feel like that alot but I can usually push past it and go short distances alone). Ty and I have a double date this weekend and we’re going to a restaurant I’ve never been to, and it’s new in my city and I’m worried it’s going to be really busy and crowded and loud and I don’t know if I will be able to go in. I think I’m going to bring this up with tyler tonight and try and talk it out. On a lighter note Ty’s tattoo apointment is 2 weeks from tomorrow. I want everything to go well for him and I want him to be happy with the end result. I know it means alot to him and will help him feel close to his mom even though she isn’t here anymore. I’m going to try and update this blog more often then I have been.